Resident Evil 5: Parody
by omniaki78
Summary: Three parodies... Should I continue with a full story? R&R or the Lickers will... Nevermind. Rating may change. Chapter 2 of the Full Story is up.
1. Should I Go On?

**I don't own shit. Yeah, I know, I fail.**

**A Flustering Conversation**

Chris Redfield emerged from the ship's cabin dressed in a replica of his old S.T.A.R.S. uniform. What he questioned, was how Wesker knew his measurements... He brushed off the vest carefully, tearing a post-it. After further examination, Chris read the note. _'Chris... I hate you.'_

"Chris? Look what I found." Sheva, Chris' new partner, was wearing a leopard bikini with some sort of red leather loincloth. Her hair was tied up in its' usual fashion. White tribal markings stood out against her mocha skin. Chris turned away before Sheva could notice his bright red face. "Ahaha. How do you like it?"

"A little too much..." He muttered. A piercing ring sounded, snapping Chris back to reality. His PDA showed a live feed of Jill, explaining about Wesker's condition. He half-heartedly listened, staring at Jill's scantily clad chest, trying to suppress the image of his current partner. "Jill, did you get a boob job since that time you tackled Wesker out that window?" Jill was taken aback.

"Come to think of it, I increased a cup size..." Everyone stayed quiet. "Oh my God I feel really violated right now." Jill ended the transmission. Sheva glared at Chris.

"I was just wondering, Geez. Sheva don't assume I'm like that. Cuz it's not like I can strut around in a Speedo while you two-" Chris then remembered Excella. "Three can with your... Nevermind."

"What..?" Sheva queried. Chris began backing away.

"You three don't wear bras!" He ran off.

"I'm wearing a bikini dumbass!"

**Seasickness**

"Albert... You said we would change this world together..!" Excella clutched her midsection and shouted into the night.

"Yeah, well he's a flake." Chris replied. Sheva elbowed him.

"Shush. I want to watch the cut scene."

"Too late. And don't shush me, Woman." Chris pressed the back button on his Xbox 360 controller.

"Nrghh.." Excella's face flushed and she threw up on the deck.

"That's just nasty. I'm glad I'm killing you. Stupid Bimbo can't handle a little seasickness." Wesker chided from some unseen perch.

"Where is he?! Show yourself!" Chris kicked a Majini's corpse in frustration. "It's like he's a ninja or something." Excella and Sheva stared.

"You're an idiot." They both said in unison.

**Clichéd Slogans**

Our two heroes were currently battling the B.O.W. U-8. Upon shooting the monster's red flabby flesh, U-8 would collapse onto the platform, prompting either BSAA agent to toss a grenade into its gaping maw. Chris shouted, _"Choke on this!"_ as he leapt away from the B.O.W. After another round of unloading precious ammo, he threw an additional explosive yelling, _"Have another one!"_ He flung one more in, this time giving up his 'clever' sayings with, _"Just die already!"_

After that fight, Chris realized all Capcom had successfully molded him into was a clichéd male protagonist. "I need some new catch phrases..." He thought aloud.

"Huh?" Sheva cocked her head.

"It's not like your slogans were any better!!" He scoffed.

**That's it folks. Now should I write a whole parody? I have lots of ideas so tell me what you think!**


	2. 1 1: Of Pretty Rings And Kanye

Resident Evil 5: The Parody

Chris Redfield was alone, driving through the savannah. _'Why did it have to be Africa?'_ he thought, _'doesn't the BSAA know about my fear of-'_ He quickly snapped back into attention, as he almost ran over someone in a dark cloak and iron mask. Chris decided he was manly enough to not ask for directions, so he drove around narrating for about an hour. "Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth fighting for..." A small town was straight ahead, prompting Chris to pull over. An African woman approached his vehicle.

"Welcome to Africa. My name is Sheva Alomar." She was pretty, but not exactly Chris' taste. Sheva was in a bluish halter, and some sort of tan cargo capris. Her hair was in a ponytail, and she was decorated with much jewelry. '_She has a nice ass though_,' his mind wandered a bit before he realized she was waiting for him to speak.

"Chris Redfield." He stuck out a hand curtly which she took in her lithe grip. She squealed.

"Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Redfield. It's an honor." Sheva tried keeping a straight face.

"Just Chris, thanks." '_I don't look _that_ old, do I?'_ Sheva pulled out a notebook from God-knows-where and held it out.

"Can I have your autograph? I worship you and the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team. I heard about the Mansion Incident back in '98..." Chris took the notebook from the younger woman as she kept talking and thought back, remembering Jill Valentine, his old partner and dear friend. He envisioned her grave, which he still visited with his sister Claire. "Thanks." Sheva stuck her papers back to wherever they came from. "Let's go."

The pair walked onward, and not before long they ran into a guard, who says something in some random dialect. He shall speak Swahili now. "Watenzi tu." He crossed his arms. Sheva stepped forward and replied, and then the man began to frisk her.

"You don't have to get touchy!" She yelped, running behind Chris and cowering in his shadow. Sheva held onto his arm, and then squeezed it. "Do you work out? That's so awesome." A little girl, who slightly resembled Chris, popped out of nowhere and grabbed his other arm.

"That's my daddy for ya!" She smiled. Chris was confused.

"Uh... What?" He queried.

"Oh, you're gonna play paintball right? Sorry I couldn't clean your vest that well..." The teen plucked some lettuce of his front. "Bye Daddy!" She called, running off.

"Josh!" Chris yelled. "Wait, wrong script. Paintball?" Sheva stopped trying to figure out what was happening. The two pushed past the guard/pedophile. They chatted with Kirk, via radio, and then kept jogging. "It's so weird, it's like I'm being propelled by some unseen force." Some civilians were bashing a large bundle with primitive weapons. When the BSAA agents came closer, the citizens stopped and glared. "What's in there? Oh, it says 'Cheetos' on it. That's sad. They have to separate the snack themselves."

"O...kay?" Sheva ignored the oblivious thirty-five year old. "There's the rendezvous point." As they neared it, something told them to look around. The little village was completely empty.

"That was one of the most useless cut scenes I've seen in my entire life. And trust me, I've seen many." Chris ranted. They continued on to a butcher's shop running to the side of the building, to find a door, which Chris kicked open. "I envied Leon for that. See, at the Spencer mansion, whenever a door was opened, we had to wait like two minutes. It was weird." The contact was already waiting inside.

"Good, you're both here. Come." A man dressed in African garb spoke, his head covered with a turban of sorts. His eyes shifted back and forth. "You two, this way." He motioned for them to follow him into a room. As they did a horrid smell overwhelmed the partners. "It may be because of the new government, but people around here are a little on edge. You should do as you came here to do and go home."

"Yeah, they really roll out the red carpet for us Americans." Chris said sarcastically. "We're meeting in a butcher shop that has rotted meat. I hope the residents don't eat this shit." He poked a large carcass with the toe of his shoe.

"Well, the residents have been acting more violent every day. It's like some evil has come to Africa." Reynard, the contact, stated.

"Strange... a resident evil..." Sheva whispered. Reynard opened a silver case and handed them standard pistols. "Thanks. Destination coordinates?"

"Towns square's up ahead. Go through there. Alpha team's waiting at the deal location."

"Good, thanks." replied Sheva.

"What do you know about Uroboros?" Reynard blurted.

"Mostly just rumors… Something about visions of a doomsday project." Chris elaborated.

"Doomsday sounds about right but apparently it is no rumor."

"You're kidding, right?" Sheva asked. It stayed quiet for a few minutes.

"You must find a man named Irving. He is our only lead. And be careful out there." Reynard exited through some magic door, leaving Chris and Sheva to explore the small shop. They found a solitary crate and then left. A barrel sat outside unattended, tempting Chris to bust it open with his machete. But no, Sheva was on attack mode, so she ran ahead of him and collected the gold.

"GODAMMIT!" Chris screamed then said mischievously, "Come on." Sheva was forced to cover, allowing Chris to cut anything he wanted to and reap the benefits. He kicked through another door, giggling to himself, and saw a butchered goat surrounded by candles. "Look, Shelia. It's like a sacrifice of something."

"How peculiar." She replied. She didn't catch Chris' little name mix-up. The two continued through the building and heard a shout. "Did you hear that? It came from that building!" They ran up the steps to find two men holding down another, who was struggling against them. One of the men shoved some wriggling _thing_ into the trapped man's mouth.

"Freeze!" Chris barked at them. One man turned around slowly as ominously as he could. Then the two ran off. The man on the floor began sputtering and coughing. "Are you okay?" Chris cautiously walked up to him and laid a concerned hand on his shoulder only to have it pushed away.

"How rude." Sheva murmured. The man collapsed in a heap, then much to Chris' dismay, rose up again. Sheva shot at it while Chris ran around screaming, "OMGWTFBBQ!!??" After downing it and stomping it a couple times for good measure, the Majini dissolved in a brownish boiling substance.

"What the hell just happened?" Sheva asked.

"Didn't move like any zombie I've ever seen. Oh, a cookie! Nevermind, it's a TV..." Chris seemed very disappointed. Sheva patted him on the shoulder. They ran into the next room, picking up ammo. "We have to jump out this window. Ladies first." Chris swept his arms forward knocking Sheva outside.

"What the fuck? Why'd you just toss me out the friggin' window?!" Sheva screamed up at the older man. He shrugged then hopped down himself. "You stepped on my foot!" She cupped her foot in one hand while smacking Chris with the other. "Asshole."

"Sorry... Let's go over there!" He pointed to several stalls across the dirt walkway. "There might be a sale! _Shopping!_" Chris skipped merrily to the fruit stand only to be confronted with a mob of angry Majini. "RUN AWAY!!" He yelped. They ran to a small house and barred the door. "Come in Kirk. The locals were hostile and we had to use force. Contingency, contingency, contingency, contingency, contingency, contingency. I forgot my lines again."

"Um... I don't know you. Let's go kick that door open." They both performed the previously mentioned task. A surplus of crates and miscellaneous supplies were scattered across the room.

"It sure smells bad; oh it's the unicorn shit."

"Its meat you imbecile... God..."

"I thought you people believed in Allah or something." Sheva responded by punching Chris in his ripped arm- a severe mistake. "What was tha-?"

"OW! Are you on steroids?!" She moaned and fell to her knees. "What did I do to deserve this hellish nightmare?"

"Well, you don't have to face fear alone. You have me, Sheena." Chris was sincere and held out his hand to assist her in getting up. Yet Sheva started sobbing loudly. When Chris spoke she cried even louder.

"M-my name is Sheva. T-thanks." She wiped her face and took Chris' outstretched hand. "Shall we just get this over with, Mr. Redfield?"

"Its Chris. And let's do this." They exited the building and went into a house. Across the road on a two-story platform was a man who slightly reminded Chris of Kanye West. He then noticed the plethora of Majini in the area.

"Wait a minute, that's the-" Sheva began, seeing Reynard on the platform. She could barely hear what the man with the megaphone was saying, but the threat was apparent. The contact was screaming up at his captors. Chris held Sheva back by her arm, taking note of her concerned expression. The two stared up in silence as they saw an Executioner raise his ax then bring it down with full force. The gruesome display horrified the two agents. As soon as they both looked up again, the Kanye look-alike pointed in their general direction. All of the gathered Majini produced weapons from behind their backs and started advancing. "Chris! We should barricade the door and window!" She followed her exclamation by pushing a bookshelf over one of the entrances. Chris did the same.

"Come in, Kirk! The locals are hostile and the gate is sealed!" Chris shouted. As he spoke, some Majini dropped through the roof, the barricades broke, and the smaller gate was smashed open by the Executioner from before. "This sucks."

"Roger that. Just sit tight. I'm on my way." Kirk replied.

"Did you hear that Sheva? Help's on the way." Chris remained optimistic about the obviously unfair situation.

"Yeah. Let's just hope he gets here quick!" She reloaded her pistol. "We're screwed! How come we only have one gun?! Damn the developers." Chris was too busy to listen to Sheva's rant. He had used twelve bullets and dispatched thirteen Majini, focusing on headshots. "What? How do you do that?"

"Well... I did get the Marksman trophy every year at my old job with S.T.A.R.S. Claire, my little sister, even saw it. She told me after she went through Raccoon City. It was in the police station." Sheva imagined this sister of his. _'Is she overly manly like her sibling?'_

"Over there!" A shiny silver case was out in the open. Chris passed the machine gun to Sheva. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it. That's a woman's weapon anyway." Chris continued his headshot spree. The Executioner was slowly but surely lumbering closer to the agents. "Watch out!" Chris shot down a generator that stopped the ax-wielding dress-wearing giant. The two rushed forward and physically abused the poor man. He fell-dead tired, as Chris liked to call it- and left behind a gold ring. "Ooh, look!" He slipped it on his pinky, as his fingers were as muscular as the rest of him. "Sheba I feel so pretty!!"

"..." Sheva didn't reply.

"Chris, Sheva, how're ya holding up? I'll be there shortly, just hang in there." Kirk announced. The two were killing off any stragglers that avoided Chris' rampage. Just then, a Majini that blended into the shadows grabbed Sheva from behind.

"Help me!" She shouted. Chris responded by punching it, which made its head explode somehow.

"Ewww I got my ring gooey. I'll just sell it to the non-existant merchant." Sheva, who never was informed of Leon's escapades, didn't get it. Her thoughts drifted back to the escapade of her own, in which Chris was now restrained by a Majini. From its mouth emerged some weird freaky shit that scared Chris terribly. "Help! Its trying to make out with me! I don't swing that waaay!!" He shook it off and turned to Sheva. "Let's go somewhere safer." He swooped her up in his hulk-like arms and shot any nearby Majini before arriving on this roof of the house where they first glimpsed the public assembly. In this secluded area, not as many foes sifted through.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm gonna take out the door. Find some cover!" Kirk's arrival was apparent as the chopper's noise was growing closer, "Take cover!" The agents crouched behind a bus while Kirk took aim. The RPG took out the gate and several Majini. Chris leaned over Sheva and absent-mindedly was protecting her from the blast. He stood up and once again offered a hand. She took it, and they advanced into the now deserted streets.

**So yay for 1-1!! Next up is Spaghetti Man so look forward to the next installment. Oh, and I love you... **


	3. 1 2: Spaghetti Man

Resident Evil 5: Parody

1-2

"Kirk, we owe you one. Sheva, can you give Kirk a bl-?" Sheva quickly covered Chris' mouth with her hands. She laughed nervously to vouch for the fact that her partner humiliated her.

"You can than me later," Kirk purred. Chris was scarred for life, as the radio let both agents hear the conversation. "Chris, Sheva, its almost time for Alpha Team to go in. hurry to the deal coordinates." The two began walking through the blazing hot village.

"Roger that. Arghhhh, I'm a pirate." Chris grinned and fashioned his right hand to look like a hook.

"Wow, Chris. That's completely amazing." Sheva rolled her eyes and they both open a large red door. They head toward a much more modern part of town and enter the building ahead. Stocking up on ammo, the partners exited to find a broken ladder. "Chris." She gestured to it, as she couldn't reach it alone nor lift Chris. He helped vault her upwards, where upon further investigation a key was seen. "If we go around maybe we'll be able to grab that key."

"No shit, Captain Obvious." They rounded a corner and a woman seated on the ground turned to face them. "Ahhh scawy mean lady!!" He shot her in the leg and while she paused, he ran behind her and snapped her neck. "Okay its all better."

"No its not. You touched blood. Ya know how Africa has AIDS? Well you have AIDS now." Sheva smirked, enjoying tormenting the man with a mental age of three. Chris kissed Sheva- it wasn't unremarkable. Sheva held a hand over her mouth, hopeful of her partner's feel-

"YOU HAVE AIDS NOW TOO BITCH!!" Chris shrieked, laughing. Several Majini that had approached via hiding in shadows ran away in fear of the deadly disease.

"No... Wait! God damn monster!" DeChant of Alpha team was shouting over the radio.

"Sheva's not that repulsive... How mean..." Chris pouted. "When's our lunch break?"

"Just smoke an herb Chris." Sheva stopped and thought for a moment. "Oh shit. Don't!"

"Too late." He had already lit up a red herb and was reveling in its cinnamon-like taste. "Sheva, I like your ass. I stare at it when you walk ahead of me."

"You're high you asshole. Look, another ladder." Chris gave the African woman a boost as she collected the Old Building Key. "I wonder what its for."

"An old building, I suppose." They turned to see a blonde woman being dragged by her hair. "Is she getting raped??" Chris shivered.

"Let's just go." They advanced into a small alleyway where a Majini burst out of several boxes.

"BOO!" He shouted before his head exploded.

"AHHHHH!! Heh heh... Oppsies..." Chris smiled. A bright blue glowing circle was in the upper level of a random building across the street. He shot it. "Yay! A BSAA Emblem!!"

"Terrific." Sheva led the way into a building and they went upstairs. A man and woman were crouched behind boxes. Before they could scare Chris, she killed them both. A chest sat on the balcony. "What's this?" Sheva held up and old antique clock. The BSAA members jumped down and together kicked open a gate. The blonde woman ran out to a nearby house's balcony and gripped the rail.

"Help me Leon! Help!" She screamed before being pulled back inside. A structure to the left was unlocked by the old key the two had collected earlier. A shotgun was mounted on the wall. Chris yanked it down using his sheer masculinity and went to rescue the young woman. Sheva glanced around looking for any other civilians while Chris held the girl in his arms.

"You Okay?" She reached up and grabbed his knife hoister in one hand then the weird freaky shit that tried to make out with Chris earlier emerged from her mouth. He shoved her off and placed a perfect headshot. To his surprise a long thick tentacle replaced the space where her head was.

"What the hell?" Sheva queried, still covering Chris.

"I don't know but its really weird. I wanna poke it but it'll hurt me." Instead of the former, Chris used his new shotgun to break its connections with the body. The last of the civilians were taken out but when the partners left through the exit, more came with eyes full of blood-lust. Chris' manly shotgun slaughtered them with ease. "Go back to Africa."

"We're in Africa." Sheva corrected. They ran to the deal coordinates Kirk told them about previously. The edifice- poorly constructed, mind you- was infested with rats. The Alpha Team was annihilated. Blood was pooled around their unmoving bodies.

"They're all dead." Chris gasped.

"Chr-" DeChant moaned. "I'm still alive." Chris just ignored him by skipping the cutscene. They left the room and took an elevator down into the furnace area. Blackish goo lined the walls. The door to their escape was locked, so the agents went to retrieve the key. They went to the furnace, where two gas cans were mounted on the wall, and the furnace was still working. Upon returning to use the key, a giant black gooey tentacle B.O.W. dropped down and ambushed them.

"Why is every enemy black?!"Chris exclaimed. Sheva smacked him upside the head. "He kinda looks like spaghetti... He's Spaghetti Man!!" The B.O.W. crawled closer, forcing them to retreat. "Back into the room where we got that key!" Once they got in, the B.O.W. followed suit, making the door shut. Sheva knocked down a gas can and Chris shot it. The explosion barely phased it.

"Let's use the furnace. Lead it in and I'll shut the furnace behind you. You can jump out the other side." Sheva volunteered.

"Fine, fine. Put me in danger." Chris ran in with the B.O.W. close behind. Sheva activated the mechanism, closing the doors. Chris jumped out, and the Uroboros was trapped. It perished in a fiery fate.

"Yes! Now we can go use that key." Sheva pumped her fist.

"What a stupid reason to fight a boss..." Chris muttered. They exited the room and used the key, where Irving's escape was apparent. "Damn it!"

Little did the BSAA agents know that a man was watching them like a stalker... "Let's go." Richard Irving sighed in his voice worse than Alfred's. The caped woman driving the vehicle took off.


End file.
